Deleted

by R. J. Hoffman
  • December 24, 2007
  • Poetry
  • Lyrical

Deleted

Comments & reviews · 2
Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.

Random avatar
Fire Light
Review
Fire Light wrote a review · Fri Jan 04, 2008 1:46 am

hmm, contrary to what you said, it was pretty decent.

Like Buublwrapped said, the If only got kinda dull, but the fact that it started each stanza made it a bit less boring. And also, yeah, saying it is bad won't really get too many reviews.

Aside from that, again, it was pretty decent.

User avatar
bubblewrapped
Review
bubblewrapped wrote a review · Mon Dec 31, 2007 10:51 am

Just a tip - saying your poem is "really bad" isn't likely to garner many reviews ;)

That said, it wasn't so terrible. The repetition of "if only" got old by the end and the whole sentiment was kind of cliche, but I guess that's to be expected from a school-induced poem. It's a bit of a 'shopping list' poem that tells instead of shows - perhaps try a bit more imagery next time.

Overall, my suggestion would be to refrain from posting work of this kind (i.e. homework poetry that you're not particularly happy with). If you don't think it's worth posting, why would we want to read and critique it?

Cheers,
~bubbles



cron
here is the deepest secret nobody knows (here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows higher than the soul can home or mind can hide) and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart i carry your heart (i carry it in my heart)
— e.e. cummings